Night and Day

This is my neighborhood. Yes, both images were taken only a few blocks away from each other. In case you were wondering, I live on the ghetto side (but not in one of those apartments in the picture... I am around the corner on a, um, nicer street).

Moody

Earlier today, and recently, I've been feeling a bit restless and sometimes down. I miss Michigan and my family, and I miss the lifestyle of living somewhere other than the city. City living is challenging, to put it mildly. It's rewarding, too, but exhausting.
Then I realized: if I move back to the Midwest I will be happy for a while, and then I'll begin to miss things about the city. My moods have little to do with my situations or my surroundings. Rather, I am letting my moods dictate how I feel about my current place in life. Before, I felt that if I only lived somewhere interesting, or if I had a relationship, or if I had a steady job, then I would somehow be "happy." Yet I've come to understand that we just get down sometimes no matter what is going on, no matter where we are in life. And it isn't a result of some underlying discontent that is temporarily alleviated by escapism or distraction. No, in general I'm fairly content. Rather, it's just the fact that we as people get down sometimes about life and whatever. No big deal. So, I dealt with it and moved on.
On another note: I've learned that happiness isn't a worthwhile goal. My search for happiness led me on a path toward temporary pleasure and "moment seeking," but moments are fleeting, and ultimately happiness comes and goes. I feel that to be content with one's life is the ideal. That implies that one is moving forward in the right direction. I know this sounds so terribly dull, but it isn't exactly dull in practice. Contentment means different things for different people.

MY APT

Well, I finally loaded some batteries into the camera and went crazy. Unfortunately the camera is a piece of crap so the batteries last about 5 whole minutes before they wear out and die. Yep. So, I managed to snap a few pics while I still had time, and here it is! A tour of the place. It's still coming along, mind you, but at last it's liveable now that I have my little desk area:

Roaches

It looks like the roach traps are doing their job. I’ve been waking up to dead roaches in my kitchen for the past few mornings, halleluiah, although dead roaches aren’t the most welcoming critters to wake up to. We have 2 species of roach crawling around our kitchen, it seems. Today I found one of each, dead on the countertop. A 2-for! Hooray! One was quite large and the other very small. The big bugger was still moving a bit, and I felt kind of bad for it knowing that it was slowly dying of a poison that attacks its nervous system. But while it lay on its back squirming (notice roaches all die on their backs) I was able to get a good look at the sucker. Damn, it’s creepy, but far less creepy when it’s incapacitated. I could see its head. The head looked almost like the head of an amber-colored praying mantis. Ever see a roach head? Well, once I could see its little head it seemed far less disgusting, although I still couldn’t bring myself to clear it up while it was moving.
I seriously need to get batteries for my camera so I can take pictures of these things and post them online! I know anyone reading this would just love to see dead roach photos!


Random Thoughts

I am disappointed that Republicans have branded ideas such as “morals,” “values,” and “personal responsibility” as their own. Fortunately we are all smart enough to know that “morals” and “values” are not strictly right-wing ideas, but what about “personal responsibility?” From what I understand, it’s code for the Republican principle of smaller government (i.e., fewer social programs), but I feel that those on the left and middle must come to understand what the concept of “personal responsibility” really means and why it is not threatening to certain leftist social ideas. Last night on some local news/talk show, I heard the host say “I don’t mean to sound un-p.c. or anything, but what about personal responsibility?” He was referring to inner-city black communities and gun crime. Just because we discuss personal responsibility does not mean that we are accusing all poor people of “being lazy” or calling out for laissez-faire capitalism. I feel that we need to bring the concept of “personal responsibility” back into the public mind, because in practice it is “personal responsibility” that allows us to uphold our morals, our values, and our ideals. We need our government to practice personal responsibility BEFORE they go ahead and lie and cheat to achieve their ends, rather than “taking responsibility” when they get caught, or passing it off onto the nearest fall guy. We need business leaders to practice “personal responsibility” before they end up like Enron. Personal responsibility does not mean one should act greedy and selfish and placing his or her needs before those of others. It means he or she must take the initiative to do what is right for the sake of a greater good, even if there is nothing to gain.

It’s ON!

I registered for my first graduate classes the other day. It was a big step for me, actually reserving courses for the Fall. I’m excited, but I also have that nervous, sad feeling that comes with any type of change. It’s that slight reserve deep in the stomach that says “life will be different.” I also carry most of my emotion in my stomach, which is probably why I have so many stomach troubles.
The next big step is paying that bill. It’s relatively low by school standards and sure, some of it will come back to me at the end of the semester, but damn does it hurt to pay that right now! It would hurt a little less if I hadn’t just paid for 2 months rent + broker fee, a new computer, ½ a bed (the BF paid the other half… his side, I guess), clothes, and an expensive pair of cowboy boots for the boyfriend’s birthday. Alas, the cowboy boots are great.

Mom's Day

Mother’s Day is upon us, as is my mother’s birthday. It occurred to me yesterday that while many women fear turning into their mothers, I would be proud to be like mine. She is intelligent, optimistic, fun, and strong. Mothers are their daughters’ first and most profound female role models. Mom taught me how to be independent, unique, thoughtful (as in both “pensive” and “considerate”), and kind. She showed me that although society devalues its women, we are living proof of our own worth. She’s the reason I’m so progressive, and she’s always the voice of reason and reassurance when things are tough for me. We are different in many ways, sure, but we’re also kindred spirits.
Thanks for everything, Mom.

WHY IS IT SO HARD?

Have I really failed to write since April 19th? Eh. I believe it. I could barely move my tired hands to type these past few days.
I don't know if I will ever move like that again. Last weekend was hell. First, the lease-signing was a major inconvenience for me, as I had to miss 4 hours of my work day in order to conform to the management's schedule. The next day, we packed up the truck with the first load and went to move in when we discovered that the key to the building didn't work! So... we hauled in two truckloads anyway (I would sneak in behind a tenant and open the door for the BF, who ran in and out between the truck and the building). Later we went to Park Slope to meet my friend who lives in the same building and made copies of her key. We almost moved everything in one day, but alas, there was too much, so we grudgingly completed the job on Sunday. Funny part is, neither of us own that much!
Of course we haven't put anything away because a) we've been exhausted and b) the contractors (who fix the problems we identified during the walk-through) couldn't come over until TODAY, after we've already moved in. We don't have cooking gas so we can't cook anything until Thursday. Did I mention that it's loud outside our windows? Oh so loud. And the exterminator hasn't been over in many months so were pleasantly surprised by many small insects in the kitchen. Yay!
Yet the beautiful, wonderful, amazing part of all of this mess is the fact that we have a place of our own at last, with no roommates. It's all for us. It will be worth it.
Oh, and we have a killer bathtub. (I mean it's great, not deadly).