January was a long month for me. I don't quite know why... just long. Not eventful, not boring, not bad, merely long. It's actually a good thing. I feel like I've been given more time to reflect.

Unfortunately I haven't been up on the blogging. Oh, I was sick and uninspired, but after that I have no excuse.

Grad school updates: I went to look at Brooklyn College campus the other day. It was a nice place. Small, quiet, very unlike New York. I liked it a lot and I'd be happy to go there, if that's where I end up.

On the other hand, I got this message from another university where I applied. They wrote me saying that they received my application but that I did not indicate that I wanted to be considered for financial aid (in the form of an assistantship). Gasp! My jaw dropped... this was expensive fancy U! I would only attend if I have financial aid! She then sent me another email that said "please disregard my last email." I have to say that it made me nervous, but then I was happy to have the opportunity to make contact with an admissions person. One way to seperate myself from the other applications, I suppose.

I have only one more application to send (MSU) and then I'm done. That's it. Then... it's onto the financial aid. It never ends, and thank god, because I like to have something to do.

Right now the State of the Union address is on. I can't bear to watch. That smirk, that bullshit, it makes me so crazy and sad. After Alito's confirmation, after Abramoff and the spying, after the news of massive layoffs and huge CEO bonuses (not to mention their gigantic pensions), I can't stomach any more. I find myself consuming more escapist pop culture than ever before and it could be because the reality of this country is so depressing.

So I will not watch the State of the Union. I will read about it tomorrow in the paper. Tonight I will play video games with my boyfriend and pretend that everything in the world is fine, that we are safe, and that the future is full of promise.

Sick

Sadly, came down with a nasty little cold that knocked me down and continues to beat me up. Damn cold. The past few days I was too tired to post. Now I'm at work on a holiday making up for lost hours, feeling generally crappy and trying to stay motivated. I suppose blogging isn't a good way to stay motivated, is it? I'm being unproductive. Uh oh, better do some real work!

A few words:

I just finished watching to back-to-back episodes of Scrubs tonight. Funny show, uplifting and silly, makes me feel all warm and fuzzy watching it. So, feeling warm and fuzzy, I began to reflect on things. Lately, only very lately, I've been feeling good about my life. The decision to go to grad school was a definite turning point, although I was coming out of the Depression months prior to coming to that decision. Even so, the fact that I made such a major life choice and am following through with it makes me feel like I'm accomplishing something. At least I'm accomplishing a lot of paperwork. Grad applications make me feel like I have a second job that I have to pay for.
Anyway, there are a few things that are making me feel this hopeful and positive again, in no particular order: 1. my long-lasting/responsible (although temporary) job and the people there. Yeah, it's still a temp job, but I feel like I've learned a ton and I enjoy my co-workers. 2. This decision to go to school, which makes me feel like I'm moving forward in life, like I have a goal ahead of me, and it feels like the right decision for this point in my life. 3. My relationship, which has it's ups and downs but is going very well right now. I feel I've learned a lot about myself and about how to handle a mature relationship. Plus I think it's made me a better person. 4. The creative endeavors I feel motivated to achieve. 5. My ability to keep blogging regularly.
The thought occurred to me that "my life is really coming together right now." And the next thought came to mind: "eventually it will come apart again." I don't mean that in a pessimistic/defeatist way. I mean that the one thing I learned from my hard time last year was that things can go well and then suddenly life comes apart unexpectedly, and sometimes the hard time lasts longer than one would expect. I may have harder times that last even longer in the future. Yet these occurrences move in cycles and eventually we can put ourselves together again. I've always understood this to be true but I don't know if I've ever felt it as intensely or keenly as this past year. I know that during hard times it's hard to imagine that life will get better, but it does get better.
My life is far from perfect at the moment. If it was perfect I would have a full-time job that paid me lots of money with benefits, challenged and fulfilled me. I would live in a great apartment or house in a wonderful town surrounded by friends and family. I would be completely secure in my relationship and secure with myself. I'd always have a good book to read and I'd always be creatively motivated. I'd find spiritual enlightenment and probably desire nothing. Yeah, right. But at the moment I don't care that my life isn't perfect. I only care that I feel hopeful and happy again.

Argh! My blog has been trouble today. I decided to put up an ad... mainly out of curiosity (supposedly Google "tailors" their ads to your site, and I'd love to see what they come up with). But unfortunately the ad is initially placed at the top of the blog, first thing you read, and I wasn't quite comfortable with it's placement. Soooo, I went to move it and screwed everything up. Well, I've fixed it now, all is well, there is once again peace in the universe. I also took out that "what I'm reading" and "music" crap because I'm too lazy to update it. Looks like I've been listening to Beck for months and I can't finish a novel. I love Beck, but enough is enough.

Well, I just began three new applications. It's funny, but it gets easier over time. Especially since there's a general protocol and I already have a Personal Statement that merely needs tweaking for each school. The only thing that hurts are the fees. You know it costs $125 to apply to Brooklyn College?! Tha's nuts! The school itself is cheap so I suppose it's the trade-off. Of course, there's a real chance I will go on to school somewhere private and expensive. Maybe. Grr.

Anyway, here's the comprehensive list to date:

Syracuse University
Fordham University
Temple University
Brooklyn College
Michigan State University
San Francisco State University

San Francisco State?! Yes, I sent my money today so it's settled. That's the "just in case I decide to really get the fuck out of here" option.

Visiting Michigan is like visiting a spa. Or detox. I just feel so clean and refreshed when I get back to New York.

2006

Ah, 2006. Thank god. Honestly, I think I've been a bit hard on my 2005. After all, I made a decision to move forward with my life and go to graduate school, I maintained a new and healthy relationship for the entire year, I grew up a lot, I effectively moved away from the film/tv production world and found a job (albeit temporary) at a company that I enjoy, I watched my friends experience great things in their lives, I lost any residual weight I'd gained in the past 3 years, I reconnected with some old friends, I started blogging, and I had a wonderful New Years' Eve with people I care for (as opposed to drunken debauchery with acquaintances and strangers). On the flip side: I experienced my first (and hopefully last) bout of non-seasonal depression that lasted perhaps 6 months. Half the year! For that reason alone I am extremely happy to be rid of 2005 and on to 2006. Yeah yeah yeah, these are only dates, but these dates allow me the opportunity to feel that the past is truly in the past. That was last year. I've never felt so glad to put a year behind me. Also, I'm not getting seasonal depression this time. Perhaps I'm stronger now.
This is the first year I've made up actual resolutions. They are as follows:

- I want to make my own web site. Design, build, and publish it all by myself. Will start as soon as I get the manual.

-I will get a permanent job this year. Regardless of grad school. Either I will get this job in New York and stay here for school, or I'll quit to go to school, or I'll find a job in the place I choose to go to school. Something.

-Oh yeah, I resolve to follow through on my plan to go to grad school.

-I want to strengthen the friendships I have and revitalize the ones I've let slip over the years.

-I want to volunteer somewhere with animals, either at a zoo, an aquarium, or even a shelter.

-I'd like to travel somewhere other than Michigan or the Northeastern US.

There may be others I can't remember. We will see how it all goes down. I have high hopes for this year.